The Story of Christmas, by Bandit

Bandit, helping Mommy with her column.

Once upon a time, in a December long ago, I was on a deadline with no idea what I wanted to write when Bandit, my Border Collie, offered to write my column for me. I took him up on the offer. With Christmas just a week away, I thought it might fun to share Bandit’s story of Christmas.

The Story of Christmas
by Bandit*

It is almost Christmas time and pretty soon we will have parties and Santa will come and leave lots of presents.

Do you know why? You don’t? Then I will tell you the story of Christmas!

Once upon a time a man named Joseph and his wife Mary were traveling across the country to a family reunion. On the way, they stopped at a hotel. Mary wasn’t feeling so good. I guess riding on a donkey for eleventeen hundred miles can make you feel pretty barfy.

This was not a hotel like the one me and Mommy stayed at when we went to visit my Grandpa. That time, I got scared when Mommy left me alone in the room and I chewed a big hole in the door. That was a nice hotel with very nice people who did not put me in jail for being a Bad Dog.

Joseph and Mary stopped at hotel with people who were not so nice. It was very busy and everyone was cranky because there were so many people on their way to their own family reunions. So when Joseph and Mary went inside, the check-in guy said, “Sorry, buster. You don’t have a reservation and we don’t have any rooms.”

Joseph said to the check-in guy, “Can’t you see my wife Mary has a really bad belly ache from riding on a donkey for eleventeen hundred miles? Don’t you have any place we can sleep?”

The check-in guy, who it turns out wasn’t so mean after all, said, “Gee, Mister. I am very sorry your wife feels barfy. But I really don’t have any rooms. I guess you could stay out in the barn.”

The barn is where the people who stayed at the hotel kept their camels and donkeys and horses overnight. There were also some cows and chickens and sheep and elephants and at least one giraffe and some Border Collies to keep everyone in line. There may have even been a unicorn, but my brother Scout told me that and I think he was fibbing.

Anyway, Joseph and Mary went to the barn and they unloaded the stuff off of their donkey. It was pretty stinky in the barn, but Mary didn’t care because she was really tired. So she and Joseph made an itchy bed of hay and went to sleep.

Here is a big secret: Mary had a bad belly ache because she was waiting for a baby to get delivered!

Most people think that the stork delivers babies. But that is not true. The UPS man delivers them. I would not lie about that. So during the night, the UPS man came to the hotel to deliver the baby for Mary and Joseph. And not just any baby. It was Jesus, God’s son! That was a pretty special delivery!

The party for Jesus’ birthday. Elephants! Horses with feathers on their heads!

The UPS man didn’t want to wake everyone up, so he left the baby in the manger. Just in case you didn’t know, a manger is what the animals eat out of. In the morning, the animals woke up and, Ta Da! There was God asleep in their breakfast!

What would you do if you went to eat breakfast and God was sleeping on your plate? I think that would be a very big surprise. But Mary and Joseph were not surprised. In fact, they were happy! So they had a big birthday party to welcome Jesus to the world. God’s angels invited everyone, including some sheep herders and some kings.

Santa Claus got the invitation on Facebook and thought it would be nice to bring Jesus some birthday presents. So Santa and the elves loaded the sleigh and brought Jesus some games and a drum and some roller skates and a squeaky ball, because babies like toys that squeak. Just like I do!

It was a big, giant party! And that is why we have parties at Christmas and why we get presents from Santa. And just so you know, Jesus was never on Santa’s naughty list. Not like some dogs you know.

Merry Christmas!
Your pal,
BANDIT!

*  (c) 2015 Joanne Brokaw all rights reserved. For reprint info, assuming you really want to reprint a silly column written by a dog, contact Bandit’s mommy.

For more about Bandit, follow his Facebook page or visit his blog archives.