Change, anxiety and new paths

I hate change. I mean, hate hate hate it.

I’m watching past seasons of “Monk” on Netflix, for example, and midway during season 3, the character of Sharona, Monk’s assistant, is just suddenly written out of the show. Poof! One episode she’s there, the next she’s moved to New Jersey and Monk has a new assistant. I can hardly watch the show now, even though there are still four or five more seasons and the new assistant is great.

So when it came time to decide whether to renew my contract at Beliefnet, you know I agonized over it. Like, for a year before the contract was even up. But last fall I decided to take a break from Christian music, and even stopped writing my music column. It was a decision that took years to make … and now, six months later, I’m still debating it because the option to go back to the column is still there.

Should I go back to writing that music column? Should I make an appeal to start blogging again? I mean, the blog is still generating enough page views to earn me my minimum pay – even though I’m not posting new material. Seems a shame to waste all of the momentum. I mean, was I really that burned out or did I just need a break?

God knows, I am pathetic. I spend a lot of time wallowing in indecision, and while my decision about my music column and blog was like a ten ton weight off of my shoulders, I haven’t yet actually made a move down a new path.

Oh, I’ve planned to move down a new path. Bought the road maps, plotted a course, checked the weather and stocked up provisions – so to speak. But as for putting the vehicle into drive? I haven’t even turned on the ignition. In fact, I’m not even sure where to find the keys.

It seems easier to just turn around the go back. I mean, maybe God never wanted me to move on? Right? Maybe that’s why I have such conflicted feelings? Right??

I can rationalize anything, especially if it means not having to make a change. And it gets worse when someone offers me the opportunity to go back – with pay. Is it God telling me to go back? Or is it a test to see if I’m willing to step out into the unknown? Paralysis by analysis.

Do you ever feel like that? Or is it just me?

The answer, of course, is to move on. When I’m honest with myself, I’d much rather be writing about missions or unsolved mysteries, working on my “love your neighbor” book and doing interviews with people in my community who serve others. But I think that it’s only natural to consider moving back when moving forward is so uncertain.

So I consider the past but move forward. Onward, 2011!


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