Speaking of underwear

Yesterday I went to the matinee peformance of The Downstairs Cabaret’s “Christmas with the Calamari Sisters.” It was really funny, and they gave out free wine in the lobby. What more could you ask for? (Well, the bartender could have asked me for I.D.; that would have made it better. But I digress.)

I had only one problem with the entire day: the hole in my underwear.

I didn’t know I had a hole in my underwear until I went to the Ladies’ Room and saw the gigantic rip in the front of my fairly brand new plain cotton drawers. They had been uncomfortable, creeping, riding up and pinching, but I just thought it was because I was wearing jeans. My normal writer’s uniform is sweatpants or pajama bottoms. I don’t put on actual clothing very often so, when I do, it often feels quite unnatural.

But there it was, a big rip right in the underwear. Had there been a hole there when I put them on? Or had there been a small hole that I’d made bigger by yanking on my undergarments in my hurry to get dressed that afternoon?

I was now left with a dilemma: at what point is a hole in your underwear so big that you just take them off? It goes against every principle I have to go without underwear. I can’t even wear a thong; what’s the point? Your cotton undies are supposed to hold in the fat and keep your butt from jiggling. A thong is nothing but butt floss.

Besides, what would I do with the underwear if I took them off at the theater? I couldn’t just throw them in the garbage; the next person to use the rest room might  find them and know that I was going al fresco. I couldn’t carry them home in my purse; what if I accidentally pulled them out in the restaurant while looking for my car keys? No, I did the only thing a sensible woman could do: I wore the ripped undies all day (I figured creeping underwear were better than a denim wedgie) and when I got home, threw them in the laundry. Once they’re nice and clean, I can throw them away.

Or, more likely, they’ll end up back in the dresser, so one day when I’m in a hurry, I can grab them and wear them again.

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