Alien Cloggers

Our bathtub had a clog yesterday that didn’t respond to either liquid drain cleaners or this lovely metal snake that you jam down the drain to try and dislodge the blockage. Being the quick thinker that he is, David got out the Shop Vac, shoved the hose down the drain, and sucked the clog out.

I was in the kitchen while he was doing this, making dinner and trying to ignore the clanging and banging and whirring coming from overhead. I only know he got the clog out because he brought it down to show me.

Our drain had been blocked with a wad of hair about the size of a fist, hair the color of which is not found in the natural world. I don’t have hair that color. David doesn’t have hair that color. Cassie doesn’t have hair that color. Not even the dog has hair that color. And if any of us shed that much hair in the shower we’d be completely bald. Which can only mean one thing: when we’re not looking, aliens are sneaking into the house to shower.

I would say that they came while we aren’t home but since I almost never leave the house they have to be sneaking in wearing a cloaking device. (I know they don’t come disguised as bats, because we haven’t seen any bats this summer.) Those noises that I’ve attributed to the cat rummaging through my closet? Probably aliens looking for something to wear. The scratching I hear coming from inside the walls? Must be them sneaking out after their spa treatment. The dog’s penchant for barking at nothing? Aliens must be visible to dogs.

Their presence actually explains a lot. While they’re here, they obviously take the clean clothes out of the dryer and throw them on the floor. They use our daughter’s cell phone to call all over the U.S. during peak hours. They drink all the milk and put the empty jug back into the fridge.

And clearly, they don’t clean their hair out of the drain.

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